Out, damned spot!

As a father of four, I’m often asked what advice I’d give to new parents. Sorry, that’s a complete lie. I’ve never been asked that, probably because people take one look at me at think “Whatever he’s doing, it’s not working.” Regardless, if I had only one piece of advice to give expecting parents, it would be this:

Buy stock in whatever company makes your favorite stain remover.


Wait, how do I use this stuff?

I’m serious. Doing so could actually turn your kids into financial assets rather than liabilities. Because you are going to go through an olympic-size swimming pool’s worth of Shout by the time you’re done, especially if you have several kids. I would have used Spray ‘n Wash in the previous sentence, but it’s now just called Resolve, which sounds so snooty and sophisticated compared to the directions-included-in-the-product-name beauty that was Spray ‘n Wash. Nobody ever had to ask the question, “So how do I use this Spray ‘n Wash stuff?” Bad move, Resolve. Continue reading

Giving Dad His Due

Another Father’s Day has come and gone.

I know, I know — it’s been a few weeks now. But in my defense, we celebrated it late because we were on vacation on the real date, so maybe it’s fresher in my mind than it is for the rest of you. I must admit that I tend to feel a little bad for my wife since Father’s Day always falls less than two weeks after my birthday. But then I remember that her birthday is barely more than two weeks before Christmas, and then I don’t feel so bad anymore.


She said it, not me.

Anyway, my dear wife must think I’m a pretty good father, because she never fails to conspire with our kids to make it a wonderful day for me. That said, I have a complaint that comes from being a good father, if that’s what I am.

I work from home. I have a flexible schedule. The result is that I’m very involved in my kids’ lives. I coach their soccer teams. I volunteer at their school. I drive them to gymnastics. I watch tennis matches. I never miss a concert or school performance. You can see us playing at the park, riding bikes, finding books at the library, running errands, shopping for groceries, walking for a fun treat of frozen yogurt. What’s funny is that my wife only works one day (a 24-hour shift) per week, so we’re both around a lot. Together we joke that people in our community must think we’re independently wealthy because we are both around almost all the time. Continue reading